It's not heaven, hell, or even purgatory...
It's sort of an ominous title for my first *ever* blog post, but why not start out with a bang, you know? If you read my homepage or "about" page, then you get a gist about who I am and why I've started this journey. Well...this is about the beginning of that journey a.k.a where I've really been the past two years: limbo.
For those of you who know me, you're aware that I graduated college in CA, got married, moved to NYC, got pregnant, had a baby, then moved to Texas in less than a year. This blog will revisit a lot of those adventures (of course) but for anyone new here that's just a quick recap!
I'm coming up on that "2 year mark since it all began" this summer. Makes my tummy grumble.
A few weeks ago I asked myself (and my husband) "where have I been? What have I been doing?"
The answer? I've been busy having a quarter life crisis at 22/23.
My husband looked at me with his big, gentle eyes and told me it was time to realize that I've not been at peace. Yes, I love him, our daughter, our life, but I was not at peace with my part of the puzzle. He told me I was ready to hear that it was time for me to confront it, to confront where I've been. I shouted "ugh yes I have been STUCK IN PURGATORY FOR TWO YEARS!" Right away he said "no, Viva. You're in limbo."
In purgatory you move forward. In limbo, you're stuck... dried-concrete-up-to-your-ankles kind of stuck.
This not-so-quarter-life "stuck" crisis has taken the shape of many things including, but not limited to:
• debilitating lack of confidence
• lack of trust
• the inability to cope with my dreams changing because of a life I never expected
Those are the big ones, the things I've allowed the evil one to whisper to me as I keep my feet in the concrete.
My life game-plan was as follows:
don't date in college, move to LA with roommates, audition my little butt off, land some significant acting job, find someone and get married by, let's say, 30.
God's game plan:
meet your future spouse 1 week into college, get married at 21, move to NY, have a baby at 22, move to TX and realize that this is what you *truly desire* at 23.
I am so unbelievably tired of being afraid of what I really want.
How can I be afraid of something I want? Because I am terrified of what others will think. I've been lugging around chains with zero confidence in myself, my family, my friends, and their ability to love me as I am and meet me where I'm at.
I have been begging the Lord for more trust, more peace, more clarity...but I refuse to listen when the opportunity presents itself. I have been forcing myself to hang onto a dream that I so dearly loved, when what I need to do is listen to the desire God has placed in my heart and move forward.
What's that desire? To raise a family. Maybe be a stay-at-home mom. Maybe homeschool. Date my husband. Have his babies. Have people over for bible studies and dinner parties feat. homemade tacos + margaritas. Write a blog for my own creative outlet and therapeutic sanity. Find something I'm truly passionate about.
It's no longer what it used to be. In fact, it's far different. And while it's perfectly fine to mourn that beloved dream (which I am-- trust me), it's also a beautiful thing to let go and say goodbye, even if it's only for a little while, because who knows what the future holds? It's a good, and holy thing to step into the person God has created me to be and to embrace her for all that she is.
This journey begins with renouncing those lies, the ones that tell me no one will read my blog, I'm a failed actress, I have no accomplishments, people think I have nothing going for me in life, I'm wasting God-given talents...blah blah blah blah blllaaaaaaahhhhhhh. Gross. Get the hell out--not today satan!
The evil one gets no say in who I am, what I love, or what I do. And, no offense, neither do you. That is between me and God only.
That's not my new "mantra" or anything, but it's definitely something I'll be keeping in mind as I look forward to this newfound joy, excitement, and *hopefully* peace.
Our God is a God of peace, I know that, but it's time for me to believe Him, step out of the concrete, and love this life that I never dreamed of, but couldn't live without.